BACK TO 2006
12.19.05 - A FEW THINGS
1) I love this band, they're really good and they're called Space Mtn
2) I also love "Taylor, The Latte Boy" which is a great song, not by Space Mtn. You can google it or whatever. Another song is "We Like the Cars that Go 'Boom'".
3) And I hope everyone has a great Christmas, Hanukka and New Year.
4) San Franciscans, see you January 29th at SketchFest
5) Seriously we still have no news about Stella TV show
I contributed a "guilty pleasure" to Blackbook
11.22.05 - PETITION TO SAVE STELLA
HERE
11.20.05 - SINCERELY THIS IS COOL
WolframTones
11.13.05 - FOUND ON PUBLIC ACCESS
Let me know what you think.
10.19.05 - SOMETHING TERRIBLE'S HAPPENED
I'm so glad you're here
10.15.05 - MORE FROM THE WAIN FICTION/POETRY ARCHIVE: THE MISSING SOUP CAN
Once there was this lady who lost a soup can. She called "Help!" Just then someone came. "Can I help you?" He found it somehow. They were both happy. She made soup.
(November, 1976)
* * * * *
THE FARMER AND THE CROW
Once there was a farmer who had a cornstalk. There was one crow who always eats the whole stalk and the farmer didn't like that. Then another came and another and another and so on. By that time the farmer was crying.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
A STORY POEM
Once there was a dog who would always fly. He had 200 wings and was rich. One day he was flying in the sky and saw an airplane. He was out of control. Then he flew away. He was safe.
(January 1977)
* * * * *
UNTITLED
Once there was an Elaphich. This Elaphich went to the smore. In it he saw some lore. In the lore he saw more and more. He ate the lore and he was dead.
(December 1977)
* * * * *
THE TURTLE
Once there was a turtle who lived in a stream. He was a good turtle, too.
One day the turtle was swimming along the river. He saw that he was going to a waterfall.
Just then his mother was coming. She saw him. She came running to him.
Finally he got out. They went home and they were happy.
(November 1977)
* * * * *
MAGIC (A Haiku)
I love Magic.
I can amaze people.
My magic name is Wain-o.
(November 1976)
9.21.05 - (REAL) SELECTIONS FROM THE WAIN FICTION/POETRY ARCHIVE - 1976:
WHY I WOULD LIKE TO SWIM
I love to swim.
It's fun to swim like a fish.
You should try it.
(October 8, 1976)
* * * * *
I WISH
I wish I were a soccer ball.
I wish I were a baseball bat.
I wish I could go to the equator.
(September 1976)
* * * * *
THE MAN
Once there was a man who never wanted to be seen. Whenever somebody comes, he hides. One day he was walking down the street and somebody was coming and he couldn't find a place to hide. Just then he saw a trash can. He jumped in.
The Man who came was holding an apple. The man opened the trash can and threw it right in. The man never hid again.
(December 1976)
* * * * *
THE SOUND I LIKE BEST
I love firecrackers. I see them every fourth of July at my friend's house. I also like records.
(September 1976)
* * * * *
When I grow up I want to be a magician and I could do every trick and I have everyone come to my show. I also want to be a comedian and I can make everyone laugh.
(October 1976)
* * * * *
There once was a dog
Who saw a big hog
Then he saw some fog
And ran to a log
And there he got killed.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
Once there was a dog who always eats his food.
It falls on the floor and on the table too.
He loved beef and he loved dog food too.
When the dog eats his food,
He is a happy dog.
And when he's done,
He wags his tail.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
THE MISSING CHICKPEA
One night while Cathy was making dinner, David realized that a chickpea was missing from his salad. We started looking for it. We looked in the strangest places; We looked here, we even looked there. Then finally David said, "I'm not crazy about chickpeas anyways." So they sat down to eat. Just then, Beth realized that she had one extra chickpea in her salad. So, that's the case. It was all Cathy's fault, because she made dinner.
(November 1976)
(more to come...)
8.18.05 - THE STELLA TV SHOW TEAM
Here are the talented folks that made our show!
8.13.05 - MY POEM
I wrote a poem, which I want to share it with you all. But I feel like to write it on the computer is so cold, so machinist. So I decided to write it with a pen, then scan it for you. But I decided that the pen is so external. That ink is not my ink. That pen is not a part of me. Which is why I decided to write the poem with my pee. It's written out on the floor of my apartment right now.
8.13.05 - DATING
Sometimes I'll go out to a restaurant with a fine young woman. And I'll pay for dinner for the two of us. No big deal, a couple of apps, couple of entrees. Some dessert if we're in a sweet mood. Then afterward maybe I stop up at her place for a "cup of coffee." We all know that it's not really for a "cup of coffee." We know that the real reason we go upstairs is to screw. The next morning, she gets woken up by the clanging of my belt buckle, as I put on my pants. Squinting in the light of morning she says, "Where are you going?" And I'm like, "I gotta go, I'll call you."
The upshot is that since I paid the check at dinnner, then we went "all the way," the woman is no more than a common street whore. And I refuse to objectify any woman this way. I don't believe in paying for sex. Which is why I'll never again pay for a woman's dinner.
8.12.05 - IT'S A WRAP
...on the first season!
7.25.05 - A REAL HEADLINE
...with a sexual undertone.
7.16.05 - DAVID J. WAIN
There's this guy, named David Wain. And he's an actor. And you should check out his website
7.15.05 - SHE...
is great.
7.6.05 - PRINCE CONCERT REVIEW
So I went to the Prince concert last night at Madison Square Garden, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. One minor letdown, however, was that I thought it was Prince, like "Purple Rain" Prince. But it was actually a concert put on by the Prince tennis racket company. One thing I learned is that they don't just make rackets but also shoes and apparel and more. The show's high point was the introduction of the new 2006 Titanium X700 Series rackets. It might not have been the crooner from Minneapolis, but it was an amazing, life-changing show. If anyone has tix for Philly please email me.
6.19.05 - NEW PRODUCT
This is for a select few of you with specific needs. I have a product which I can give to you at a discount. This is a product designed for those men and women who do not want their doo-doo in the toilet, but instead would rather have it piled up in the guest bedroom, on the floor, near the bed. Now obviously this product isn't for everyone. But if you fit the description, then this product is for you. For a more info and a free videotape, write to:
Doo Doo Industries
123 Butt Street
Poopyville, Wyoming
74564
6.12.05 - TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO TODAY...
I became a Bar Mitzva, at Park Synagogue in Cleveland, Ohio. Rabbi Cohen officiated. A woman named Kate played the harp at the luncheon afterward. Then at night we all went swimming and played video games. Sometimes I'd forget to dry off and end up dripping water all over Frogger.
5.29.05 - SUMMER'S HERE!
I love summer. Because it means I can wear a bikini top and shorts, even just to go shopping. Problem is, when I go to the grocery store, and I go to the frozen section, I get REALLY COLD! So now I have a solution. Do you want to know what it is? I'm not going to tell you but I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "S" and rhymes with "wet-shirt."
5.28.05 - Hi!
5.26.05 - VERY COOL
Hey - check it out.
5.18.05 - OSCAR PICKS
I think Demi Moore should get an award, but on second thought maybe the award should go to her PERSONAL TRAINER!!
5.18.05 - HOW FUNNY WOULD IT BE...
...if Santa Claus had...a MOHAWK!?! Think about it. You KNOW he'd get ALL the pussy.
5.11.05 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT ANIMAL YOU REMIND ME OF?
Human being.
5.10.05 - CHASSIDIC JEWS
Do you think Chassdic Jews have "50's night" where they put on the same clothes and do the same things they always do?
5.9.05 - MAY FLOWERS
Well, well, well. They say the April showers bring May flowers - how wrong they were. At least here in my little corner of the world. No May flowers. Just a lot of long nights, sitting on the toilet, when I should be in bed. And the whole bowl fills with poop every time I visit the restroom. That's no life for a man. Meanwhile, you know the Yogi Kudu on That's Incredible? Well you know he's doing that so he can suck his own dick.
4.21.05 - PASSOVER IS SOON
Hi everyone! How are you? Well passover's almost here so here's my Grandma's famous recipie for Passover Bread Pudding. It's easy, great tasting and only five simple steps:
1) Take 5 slices of bread (I use Wonder white bread) and dip them in pork batter.
2) Heat the pork batter till it sizzles.
3) Pour the egg and shrip mixture over the pork and bread, making sure not to over shrimp the bread.
4) Remove from heat and refrigerate for 40 minutes.
5) Slice into 1-inch squares, marinate, broil and serve!
4.9.05 - NYC and ARSENIO
Saturday, in New York City. The sun in shining bright. A street fair outside. You know, Arsenio Hall spends so much time night after night, saying, "give it up for Tone, Tony, Toni" or "let's give it up for" this guest or that. Isn't it about time that we give it up for Arsenio Hall himself? Why not give it up once for Arsenio? It's long overdue.
4.5.05 - IF YOU'RE FEELING BAD
Think about Behrooz. He is having a truly horrible day.
4.3.05 - FROM THE NEW YORKER
4.2.05 - GO SEE THE BAXTER
...at the Tribeca Film Festival. Info here.
3.29.05 - MY TYPICAL DAY
Wake up, eat breakfast with the girls, party on "E" till noon, chill till about six, then din-din with the boys, then off to clubs. Usually start off slow, a few hip-hop joints, a couple reggae clubs, maybe some ragamuffin. Then maybe some drinks with local politicos or whoever's at the Kninckerbocker. At about 2 AM I head over to the bigger clubs for some serious partying. When I'm done with that it's one last spliff and hit the sack.
3.27.05 - NOTE TO CLAMMY
Hi clammy!
3.26.05 - PRESS
Stella TV show's starting to get press.
Today's thought: Why is it always "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, five days old." Why can't it be "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge colm, peas porridge in the pot, five days old?" In the second version, "cold" was replace with "colm." Why can't it be sometimes like that?
3.25.05 - THIS IS MY FIRST EVER WEB JOURNAL
And I'm thrilled to be starting it. One thing I'll be doing is sharing websites I've found that might be of interest to you. For starters take a look at this.
12.28.05
- MORE FROM THE ARCHIVE, 1977
THE TURTLE
Once there was a turtle who lived in a stream. He was a good turtle, too.
One day the turtle was swimming along the river. He saw that he was going to a waterfall.
Just then his mother was coming. She saw him. She came running to him.
Finally he got out. They went home and they were happy.
A MONOLOGUE
Character: Bingo Magic
Setting: A Magic Theatre
"Now I take this scarf..." Just then the phone rang. "Hello, oh Jim, listen, I'm trying to do a show here. Would you call back later? Okay, bye. Oh no! Not the show is over."
12.19.05 - A FEW THINGS
1) I love this band, they're really good and they're called Space Mtn
2) I also love "Taylor, The Latte Boy" which is a great song, not by Space Mtn. You can google it or whatever. Another song is "We Like the Cars that Go 'Boom'".
3) And I hope everyone has a great Christmas, Hanukka and New Year.
4) San Franciscans, see you January 29th at SketchFest
5) Seriously we still have no news about Stella TV show
I contributed a "guilty pleasure" to Blackbook
11.22.05 - PETITION TO SAVE STELLA
HERE
11.20.05 - SINCERELY THIS IS COOL
WolframTones
11.13.05 - FOUND ON PUBLIC ACCESS
Let me know what you think.
10.19.05 - SOMETHING TERRIBLE'S HAPPENED
I'm so glad you're here
10.15.05 - MORE FROM THE WAIN FICTION/POETRY ARCHIVE: THE MISSING SOUP CAN
Once there was this lady who lost a soup can. She called "Help!" Just then someone came. "Can I help you?" He found it somehow. They were both happy. She made soup.
(November, 1976)
* * * * *
THE FARMER AND THE CROW
Once there was a farmer who had a cornstalk. There was one crow who always eats the whole stalk and the farmer didn't like that. Then another came and another and another and so on. By that time the farmer was crying.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
A STORY POEM
Once there was a dog who would always fly. He had 200 wings and was rich. One day he was flying in the sky and saw an airplane. He was out of control. Then he flew away. He was safe.
(January 1977)
* * * * *
UNTITLED
Once there was an Elaphich. This Elaphich went to the smore. In it he saw some lore. In the lore he saw more and more. He ate the lore and he was dead.
(December 1977)
* * * * *
THE TURTLE
Once there was a turtle who lived in a stream. He was a good turtle, too.
One day the turtle was swimming along the river. He saw that he was going to a waterfall.
Just then his mother was coming. She saw him. She came running to him.
Finally he got out. They went home and they were happy.
(November 1977)
* * * * *
MAGIC (A Haiku)
I love Magic.
I can amaze people.
My magic name is Wain-o.
(November 1976)
9.21.05 - (REAL) SELECTIONS FROM THE WAIN FICTION/POETRY ARCHIVE - 1976:
WHY I WOULD LIKE TO SWIM
I love to swim.
It's fun to swim like a fish.
You should try it.
(October 8, 1976)
* * * * *
I WISH
I wish I were a soccer ball.
I wish I were a baseball bat.
I wish I could go to the equator.
(September 1976)
* * * * *
THE MAN
Once there was a man who never wanted to be seen. Whenever somebody comes, he hides. One day he was walking down the street and somebody was coming and he couldn't find a place to hide. Just then he saw a trash can. He jumped in.
The Man who came was holding an apple. The man opened the trash can and threw it right in. The man never hid again.
(December 1976)
* * * * *
THE SOUND I LIKE BEST
I love firecrackers. I see them every fourth of July at my friend's house. I also like records.
(September 1976)
* * * * *
When I grow up I want to be a magician and I could do every trick and I have everyone come to my show. I also want to be a comedian and I can make everyone laugh.
(October 1976)
* * * * *
There once was a dog
Who saw a big hog
Then he saw some fog
And ran to a log
And there he got killed.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
Once there was a dog who always eats his food.
It falls on the floor and on the table too.
He loved beef and he loved dog food too.
When the dog eats his food,
He is a happy dog.
And when he's done,
He wags his tail.
(November 1976)
* * * * *
THE MISSING CHICKPEA
One night while Cathy was making dinner, David realized that a chickpea was missing from his salad. We started looking for it. We looked in the strangest places; We looked here, we even looked there. Then finally David said, "I'm not crazy about chickpeas anyways." So they sat down to eat. Just then, Beth realized that she had one extra chickpea in her salad. So, that's the case. It was all Cathy's fault, because she made dinner.
(November 1976)
(more to come...)
8.18.05 - THE STELLA TV SHOW TEAM
Here are the talented folks that made our show!
8.13.05 - MY POEM
I wrote a poem, which I want to share it with you all. But I feel like to write it on the computer is so cold, so machinist. So I decided to write it with a pen, then scan it for you. But I decided that the pen is so external. That ink is not my ink. That pen is not a part of me. Which is why I decided to write the poem with my pee. It's written out on the floor of my apartment right now.
8.13.05 - DATING
Sometimes I'll go out to a restaurant with a fine young woman. And I'll pay for dinner for the two of us. No big deal, a couple of apps, couple of entrees. Some dessert if we're in a sweet mood. Then afterward maybe I stop up at her place for a "cup of coffee." We all know that it's not really for a "cup of coffee." We know that the real reason we go upstairs is to screw. The next morning, she gets woken up by the clanging of my belt buckle, as I put on my pants. Squinting in the light of morning she says, "Where are you going?" And I'm like, "I gotta go, I'll call you."
The upshot is that since I paid the check at dinnner, then we went "all the way," the woman is no more than a common street whore. And I refuse to objectify any woman this way. I don't believe in paying for sex. Which is why I'll never again pay for a woman's dinner.
8.12.05 - IT'S A WRAP
...on the first season!
7.25.05 - A REAL HEADLINE
...with a sexual undertone.
7.16.05 - DAVID J. WAIN
There's this guy, named David Wain. And he's an actor. And you should check out his website
7.15.05 - SHE...
is great.
7.6.05 - PRINCE CONCERT REVIEW
So I went to the Prince concert last night at Madison Square Garden, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. One minor letdown, however, was that I thought it was Prince, like "Purple Rain" Prince. But it was actually a concert put on by the Prince tennis racket company. One thing I learned is that they don't just make rackets but also shoes and apparel and more. The show's high point was the introduction of the new 2006 Titanium X700 Series rackets. It might not have been the crooner from Minneapolis, but it was an amazing, life-changing show. If anyone has tix for Philly please email me.
6.19.05 - NEW PRODUCT
This is for a select few of you with specific needs. I have a product which I can give to you at a discount. This is a product designed for those men and women who do not want their doo-doo in the toilet, but instead would rather have it piled up in the guest bedroom, on the floor, near the bed. Now obviously this product isn't for everyone. But if you fit the description, then this product is for you. For a more info and a free videotape, write to:
Doo Doo Industries
123 Butt Street
Poopyville, Wyoming
74564
6.12.05 - TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO TODAY...
I became a Bar Mitzva, at Park Synagogue in Cleveland, Ohio. Rabbi Cohen officiated. A woman named Kate played the harp at the luncheon afterward. Then at night we all went swimming and played video games. Sometimes I'd forget to dry off and end up dripping water all over Frogger.
5.29.05 - SUMMER'S HERE!
I love summer. Because it means I can wear a bikini top and shorts, even just to go shopping. Problem is, when I go to the grocery store, and I go to the frozen section, I get REALLY COLD! So now I have a solution. Do you want to know what it is? I'm not going to tell you but I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "S" and rhymes with "wet-shirt."
5.28.05 - Hi!
5.26.05 - VERY COOL
Hey - check it out.
5.18.05 - OSCAR PICKS
I think Demi Moore should get an award, but on second thought maybe the award should go to her PERSONAL TRAINER!!
5.18.05 - HOW FUNNY WOULD IT BE...
...if Santa Claus had...a MOHAWK!?! Think about it. You KNOW he'd get ALL the pussy.
5.11.05 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT ANIMAL YOU REMIND ME OF?
Human being.
5.10.05 - CHASSIDIC JEWS
Do you think Chassdic Jews have "50's night" where they put on the same clothes and do the same things they always do?
5.9.05 - MAY FLOWERS
Well, well, well. They say the April showers bring May flowers - how wrong they were. At least here in my little corner of the world. No May flowers. Just a lot of long nights, sitting on the toilet, when I should be in bed. And the whole bowl fills with poop every time I visit the restroom. That's no life for a man. Meanwhile, you know the Yogi Kudu on That's Incredible? Well you know he's doing that so he can suck his own dick.
4.21.05 - PASSOVER IS SOON
Hi everyone! How are you? Well passover's almost here so here's my Grandma's famous recipie for Passover Bread Pudding. It's easy, great tasting and only five simple steps:
1) Take 5 slices of bread (I use Wonder white bread) and dip them in pork batter.
2) Heat the pork batter till it sizzles.
3) Pour the egg and shrip mixture over the pork and bread, making sure not to over shrimp the bread.
4) Remove from heat and refrigerate for 40 minutes.
5) Slice into 1-inch squares, marinate, broil and serve!
4.9.05 - NYC and ARSENIO
Saturday, in New York City. The sun in shining bright. A street fair outside. You know, Arsenio Hall spends so much time night after night, saying, "give it up for Tone, Tony, Toni" or "let's give it up for" this guest or that. Isn't it about time that we give it up for Arsenio Hall himself? Why not give it up once for Arsenio? It's long overdue.
4.5.05 - IF YOU'RE FEELING BAD
Think about Behrooz. He is having a truly horrible day.
4.3.05 - FROM THE NEW YORKER
4.2.05 - GO SEE THE BAXTER
...at the Tribeca Film Festival. Info here.
3.29.05 - MY TYPICAL DAY
Wake up, eat breakfast with the girls, party on "E" till noon, chill till about six, then din-din with the boys, then off to clubs. Usually start off slow, a few hip-hop joints, a couple reggae clubs, maybe some ragamuffin. Then maybe some drinks with local politicos or whoever's at the Kninckerbocker. At about 2 AM I head over to the bigger clubs for some serious partying. When I'm done with that it's one last spliff and hit the sack.
3.27.05 - NOTE TO CLAMMY
Hi clammy!
3.26.05 - PRESS
Stella TV show's starting to get press.
Today's thought: Why is it always "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, five days old." Why can't it be "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge colm, peas porridge in the pot, five days old?" In the second version, "cold" was replace with "colm." Why can't it be sometimes like that?
3.25.05 - THIS IS MY FIRST EVER WEB JOURNAL
And I'm thrilled to be starting it. One thing I'll be doing is sharing websites I've found that might be of interest to you. For starters take a look at this.