5.11.06 - MORNING UPDATE
My head is exploding in pain. I was out at the Eager Beaver till at least 5:30am - I remember only bits and pieces. A bartender - Monica? Maura? Spraying cocaine from an aerosol can onto my balls.
5.11.06 - WRITE YOUR OWN CAPTION
5.8.06 - THESE JELLY BEANS TASTE LIKE SHIT
(By me, Michael Ian Black and Kerri Kennney-Silver)
Wow. What's up with these jellybeans? They taste like shit. This one tastes like blueberry shit. This one tastes like cherry shit. Well, I guess it is what it is. Why do they call them jellybeans, anyway? I suppose in the 1500s when they invented jellybeans, they probably tasted like jelly. But that was the 1500s when EVERYTHING tasted like jelly. Especially beans. At least I think I read that in that magazine that comes with the paper on Sunday.
Hey, how's Greg? Is he still living? And if so, is he still living in Minneapolis? Does he still like jellybeans? Or was it just regular beans that he liked? I guess it's kind of funny since he is a "bean counter." Just kidding. It's so hard to remember now. Hey, how's that deaf wife of his? No, I don't mean anything by it - just that she's deaf. I mean, I don't care. What's her name? Wiggy Biggy? Oh, it's Rachel? Where did I get Wiggy Biggy? Oh, that's their daughter. Yeah, she sucks. The daughter, not the wife. The wife is lovely. And deaf.
Well, I guess I should get going. I've got all those apricots to pick. I'm coming! Louis is so insistent when it comes to his apricots. Can I tell you something off the record? It has been a good season. A VERY good season. Hey, just a thought - apricot jelly beans? Who do I call about that?
LOUIS, I'M COMING!!!
Alright. Listen, you have my number. Call me. Don't call me at home, though, because you know how Louis is, especially during the harvest. Okay. Great seeing you. You look great, by the way. If you run into Greg before I do, tell him Im definitely coming.
You don't remember me, do you?
5.5.06 - CINCO DE MAYO
I just got back from Puerto Rico -- lots of foreigners down there. I had a talk with the governor about how to clean things up and we agreed that the best answer is huge sewers and hoses to wash the scum away.
Meanwhile do make sure to go see "Down in the Valley" this weekend - featuring an amazing soundtrack by Wet Hot American Summer's "guitar dude" Peter Salett.
I've been studying the situation in the middle east and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the problems stem, ultimately, from the fact that the Jews and the Arabs both think they should be able to settle in Israel. I have the answer: Let the Jews settle there. And the Arabs can have Syria. Geez that wasn't hard. (Don't get me started on the differences between Jews and Arabs. For one thing, Arabs use suicide bombers. Jews don't! Another example: Jews love corned beef sandwiches. Arabs don't! They eat sand!
4.18.06 - SHAKER HEIGHTS
Many of you have asked me more about my home town, so recently I grabbed a camera and put together this brief Tour of Shaker Heights
4.4.06 - RANDOM PLAY
A really long time ago Michael Showalter and I did this sketch for a show on VH1 called "Random Play."
It's about
Huey Lewis
3.23.06 - FUNNY EYES AND MOUTHS
Cool animation from THE STATE album at
Bateman365
3.22.06 - DAVID'S DINGERS
This is from the
VH1 Best Week Ever podcast
3.21.06 - MIND READER FREAK OUT
Oh my god have you tried this?
Mind Reading
3.5.06 - TOKION ARTICLE
Michael Showalter, Neil Brennan and I talked with David Cross about Writing Comedy for Tokion Magazine
3.2.06 - "SEX" TRAILER
In 1998, Michael Showalter, Joe Lo Truglio and I put together a play called "SEX
a.k.a. Weiners & Boobs" which has subsequently been produced by other groups.
Here's a trailer for the first production of it:
Sex Trailer
3.2.06 - SUNDANCE REPORT
"Best Week Ever" (VH1) sent me to the Sundance film festival last month and here's a
clip of what went down, Tawana.
2.21.06 - THEY'RE HAVING SEX AT PENN STATE
Read all about it
2.23.06 - HUNG WITH THE OLD CREW LAST WEEK
2.19.06 - A PROUD ANNOUNCEMENT
Click Here
2.6.06 - A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SUPERBOWL
1. First of all, remember a couple of years back when Janet Jackson flashed her boob during the halftime show? The stupidest thing was, she didn't even own up to doing it. The official explanation was some sort of "wardrobe malfunction." I'm sure.
2. Forget the game. I just want to see the commercials!
3. Have you heard there's going to be a sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Have you heard what the title is?
Brokeback Mountain II
2.5.06 - ME AND LEIF
1.22.06 - ME AND PARIS
1.19.06 -
SUNDANCE
Hey so I'm off to the Sundance Film Festival. Here's my problem with Sundance:
It's supposed to be "independent" but now everything there is commercial! For
example, all the movies showing this year are infomercials.
Expected to win the dramatic competition is a film by Xavier Jurdenfarge (Germany)
called Infomercial for Ajax Dishwasher Doo-Doo starring Tilda Swinton,
Gael Garcia Bernal and Barge Michaelson (Squid & the Whale).
The other big buzz feature is the sophomore effort of 2003 Sundance Wunderkind
Blarry Seemsteen (Chances Are), a psychological thriller called Infomercial
for Lemon Scented Ajax Dishwasher Doo-Doo. In today's Variety, Seemsteen
said "I was thrilled to have the opportunity to make this movie, because all
you do is spread the lemon doo-doo on your dishes and they come out of the dishwasher
smelling like fresh lemon poop."
1.1.06 - HAPPY NEW YEAR
Here's a great song for
the holidays by Craig, Meggan and co.
Also what a weird church sign I saw this morning:
Also - here's Ken Webb's student film from 1993, The Waiters
ARCHIVE: 2005