David Wain's Blog » Thoughts

Thinking About Changing My Name…

David Wain — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:07:22 +0000

…to David McCalister. Now before you get crazy on me–would you please let me just–can I just–before you blow a gasket–CAN I GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE HERE? Phhh. Okay. Thank you. Now, if you’ll LISTEN, I’m changing my name to David McCalister for several reasons:

First of all, look, this is the real world, and having a non-Jewish name will help me with real estate transactions–NOW HOLD ON a minute, I know. I know it’s possible to get these transactions through with ANY name. But let’s be honest: David McCalister’s gonna sashay through the system a hell of a lot easier than David Wain. Yeah, I know, it’s not fair, but you know what? A lot of things aren’t fair, and yeah we should change things, and yeah I’ll go to the meetings and sign all the petitions and protest on the mount, but in the meantime, I happen to live here on planet earth where not everything is quite as it should be.

The second thing is, it SOUNDS better. David McCalister – the sylabic structure is one-two-three-FOUR-five-six. Da-vid-Mc-CAL-is-ter. Much better than one-two-THREE. da-vid-WAIN.

You know what? I’m not gonna change my name to David McCalister. I was lying. I’m gonna change it to BREEM STRIKER. From now on I’m BREEM STRIKER. Breem Striker for president! (NOT OF THE USA – of my DICK! OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING! GET ON IT, GET ON IT, YOU KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT!)

Top Ten Things I Keep Near My Bed

David Wain — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 13:26:16 +0000

10) ALARM CLOCK – it’s like, “don’t want to be late” and all that good stuff.
9) A GOOD BOOK I love the written word. Nothing like curling up with a good book. Sometimes I’ll be reading at night, before bed, and my eyes get tired and next thing you know, I’m out like a light! I’m so embarrassed to admit it, but… well, this is the internet, gotta be truthful! EARPLUGS – can you say “construction”?
7) CUP OF TEA – who wants to go to the kitchen at 4 a.m. when you need some tea?
6) GUN
5) MUSHROOMS – the psychedelic kind, usually from Hawaii. At least two pounds.
4) VICTORIA’S SECRET CATALOG – just in case I want to order something nice for my special “someone”.
3) NOVA LOX – on a platter
2) TIT CREAM
1) CELL PHONE

West Wing Final Episode

David Wain — Mon, 15 May 2006 04:23:49 +0000

How could they end it without Toby? Without any gathering together of the ensemble to say goodbye? There was barely any story! It was a disappointing ending to one of the best shows ever on television. I cried four or five times anyway. Best last episodes of a TV series:

Shall We Get Into It?

David Wain — Sat, 13 May 2006 13:20:49 +0000

Look when it comes to taking politicians down, I’m an “equal opportunity OFFENDER! That means I trash everybody. Shall we start at the top? You know who I mean. That’s right. The big cheese: GEORGE W. BUSH – the president. You didn’t think I’d go there, but… I’m gonna go there. It’s sort of like, when you least expect it… EXPECT IT!!!

Okay. Where to start… well for one thing his policies! I hate his policies!!! What else, what else…

George Bush if you think about it, is almost like a COWBOY – here are some reasons why:

IRAQ

No one is safe from my barbs!!!

Morning Update

David Wain — Thu, 11 May 2006 22:08:37 +0000

My head is exploding in pain. I was out at the Eager Beaver till at least 5:30am – I remember only bits and pieces. A bartender – Monica? Maura? spraying cocaine from an aerosol can onto my balls.

A Few Things

David Wain — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:28:01 +0000

1) I love this band, they’re really good and they’re called Space Mtn

2) I also love “Taylor, The Latte Boy” which is a great song, not by Space Mtn. You can google it or whatever. Another song is “We Like the Cars that Go ‘Boom’”.

3) And I hope everyone has a great Christmas, Hanukka and New Year.

4) San Franciscans, see you January 29th at SketchFest

5) Seriously we still have no news about Stella TV show

I contributed a “guilty pleasure” to Blackbook

Dating

David Wain — Sat, 13 Aug 2005 05:05:55 +0000

Sometimes I’ll go out to a restaurant with a fine young woman. And I’ll pay for dinner for the two of us. No big deal, a couple of apps, couple of entrees. Some dessert if we’re in a sweet mood. Then afterward maybe I stop up at her place for a “cup of coffee.” We all know that it’s not really for a “cup of coffee.” We know that the real reason we go upstairs is to screw. The next morning, she gets woken up by the clanging of my belt buckle, as I put on my pants. Squinting in the light of morning she says, “Where are you going?” And I’m like, “I gotta go, I’ll call you.”

The upshot is that since I paid the check at dinnner, then we went “all the way,” the woman is no more than a common street whore. And I refuse to objectify any woman this way. I don’t believe in paying for sex. Which is why I’ll never again pay for a woman’s dinner.

Prince Concert Review

David Wain — Wed, 06 Jul 2005 05:17:35 +0000

So I went to the Prince concert last night at Madison Square Garden, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. One minor letdown, however, was that I thought it was Prince, like “Purple Rain” Prince. But it was actually a concert put on by the Prince tennis racket company. One thing I learned is that they don’t just make rackets but also shoes and apparel and more. The show’s high point was the introduction of the new 2006 Titanium X700 Series rackets. It might not have been the crooner from Minneapolis, but it was an amazing, life-changing show. If anyone has tix for Philly please email me.

Twenty-three Years Ago Today…

David Wain — Sun, 12 Jun 2005 05:19:57 +0000

I became a Bar Mitzva, at Park Synagogue in Cleveland, Ohio. Rabbi Cohen officiated. A woman named Kate played the harp at the luncheon afterward. Then at night we all went swimming and played video games. Sometimes I’d forget to … Continue reading →

Summer’s Here

David Wain — Sun, 29 May 2005 14:53:00 +0000

I love summer. Because it means I can wear a bikini top and shorts, even just to go shopping. Problem is, when I go to the grocery store, and I go to the frozen section, I get REALLY COLD! So now I have a solution. Do you want to know what it is? I’m not going to tell you but I’ll give you a hint. It starts with an “S” and rhymes with “wet-shirt.”