…to David McCalister. Now before you get crazy on me–would you please let me just–can I just–before you blow a gasket–CAN I GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE HERE? Phhh. Okay. Thank you. Now, if you’ll LISTEN, I’m changing my name to David McCalister for several reasons:

First of all, look, this is the real world, and having a non-Jewish name will help me with real estate transactions–NOW HOLD ON a minute, I know. I know it’s possible to get these transactions through with ANY name. But let’s be honest: David McCalister’s gonna sashay through the system a hell of a lot easier than David Wain. Yeah, I know, it’s not fair, but you know what? A lot of things aren’t fair, and yeah we should change things, and yeah I’ll go to the meetings and sign all the petitions and protest on the mount, but in the meantime, I happen to live here on planet earth where not everything is quite as it should be.

The second thing is, it SOUNDS better. David McCalister – the sylabic structure is one-two-three-FOUR-five-six. Da-vid-Mc-CAL-is-ter. Much better than one-two-THREE. da-vid-WAIN.

You know what? I’m not gonna change my name to David McCalister. I was lying. I’m gonna change it to BREEM STRIKER. From now on I’m BREEM STRIKER. Breem Striker for president! (NOT OF THE USA – of my DICK! OH YEAH, KEEP IT COMING! GET ON IT, GET ON IT, YOU KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT!)

10) ALARM CLOCK – it’s like, “don’t want to be late” and all that good stuff.
9) A GOOD BOOK I love the written word. Nothing like curling up with a good book. Sometimes I’ll be reading at night, before bed, and my eyes get tired and next thing you know, I’m out like a light! I’m so embarrassed to admit it, but… well, this is the internet, gotta be truthful! EARPLUGS – can you say “construction”?
7) CUP OF TEA – who wants to go to the kitchen at 4 a.m. when you need some tea?
6) GUN
5) MUSHROOMS – the psychedelic kind, usually from Hawaii. At least two pounds.
4) VICTORIA’S SECRET CATALOG – just in case I want to order something nice for my special “someone”.
3) NOVA LOX – on a platter
2) TIT CREAM
1) CELL PHONE

How could they end it without Toby? Without any gathering together of the ensemble to say goodbye? There was barely any story! It was a disappointing ending to one of the best shows ever on television. I cried four or five times anyway. Best last episodes of a TV series:

M*A*S*H
The Office
Cheers
Six Feet Under
Mary Tyler Moore
Tonight Show w/Johnny Carson

Look when it comes to taking politicians down, I’m an “equal opportunity OFFENDER! That means I trash everybody. Shall we start at the top? You know who I mean. That’s right. The big cheese: GEORGE W. BUSH – the president. You didn’t think I’d go there, but… I’m gonna go there. It’s sort of like, when you least expect it… EXPECT IT!!!

Okay. Where to start… well for one thing his policies! I hate his policies!!! What else, what else…

George Bush if you think about it, is almost like a COWBOY – here are some reasons why:

–A COWBOY invades a town and shoots a gun; BUSH invaded IRAQ.
–A COWBOY is from the west; BUSH is from TEXAS
–A COWBOY rides a horse; BUSH rides in AIR FORCE ONE
-A COWBOY, when horny, screws a whore in a brothel; BUSH fucked his intern Monica Lewinsky in the OVAL OFFICE.

No one is safe from my barbs!!!

My head is exploding in pain. I was out at the Eager Beaver till at least 5:30am – I remember only bits and pieces. A bartender – Monica? Maura? spraying cocaine from an aerosol can onto my balls.