Hey folks – don’t forget that Halloween is sooner than you think. Here’s a great Halloween joke to try on your friends:

YOU: Hey Mark, how are you?
MARK (or whatever your friend’s name is): Good. How are you?
YOU: Not bad. Say… when you’re trick-or-treating, what’s that thing you get from Hershey’s? A Hershey’s Chocolate…
MARK: Bar…?
YOU: …nyard animal!!! You’re a barnyard animal, SUCKER!!!
MARK: What? Is that supposed to be funny?
YOU: Sorry I don’t talk to BARNYARD ANIMALS!! I only shovel their shits into paper envelopes, SUCKAH!!! After I seal the envelopes, do you know where I send your shit?
MARK: Where?
YOU: Bora-Bora. But why bother telling you? Barnyard Animals don’t even understand English!

Mark should get a kick out of this.

Another Halloween tip – best costume: Playboy Centerfold. Here’s how you do it:
1) Take off all your clothes.
2) Put a big staple in your stomach (if you’ve already had your stomach stapled, skip this step)
3) Airbrush yourself (don’t forget to hold your nose so you don’t suck in the airbrush fumes)
4) Contemplate a future of drug problems, weight gain and financial insolvency.

People often ask me, “How can I get a part in your next movie??” Well here’s the best answer I can give. In 1984, Stanley Kubrik asked for actors to send in audition tapes for Full Metal Jacket. This is one of the ones he received:

By the way – if you’re interested come see me host the Showalter/Black stand-up show at Irving Plazathis Sunday night!

Dude you have to get offf my case – i’ve been busy! Cookin’ up Harry Pot Pie for thanksgiving, getting my dawg (defense) costume ready for Halloween. But if you want to hang out come say hi in Austin Texas this weekend – it’ll be SO FUN! I’ll give you a charlie horse! Totally kidding about the charlie horse. info here

Please watch this!

Penis porridge, penis juice, penis garbage, penis bruce, coming down in 1, coming down in 2, one, two, one, two, hup, hup, here we go!