THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY – time to kick back, grab a few brews, hit some clubs, screw your maid, and lie down your floor, twitching in the aftermath of the orgasm, and read a magazine like Entertainment Weekly

Hey are you age 16-22? Want to be in my movie? Look at this

First of all – I’m starting to use Crystal Meth and it’s really wonderful. In many ways it’s even better than alcohol for that pure feeling of being high on drugs. Plus with alcohol it’s such a pain: Do I want a beer, or maybe some vino or god knows what else? And then say you decide, okay, a beer – is it Michelob or Fosters or what? Forget about it – I’m not thirsty anymore, thank you!

What about STELLA? Anybody remember this? A very funny TV show from the year 2005, about three well-dressed guys having delightlfully wonderful adventures. There’s a truly beautiful DVD out, in just a few weeks, and my advice to you is to check it out

And finally, back to the beer problem. Sam Adams puts out beers that have a fruit flavor – like Cranberry Ale. Only problem is, I drink the Cranberry Ale, I go out of the bar into the sun, have a big SNEEZE, and what comes out – microscopic Cran-boogies. I’ve got enough problems (paying the gardner, go-kart issues, acne) and the last thing I need is a nose full of Cran-boogies. So if you don’t mind, I’ll take my meal-time beverages in the form of Crystal Meth, or as my new friends and I call it, “the stuff.”